The Islamic Garden
Questions and answers-Loneliness, depression,marriage problems, and more more…
feel there is no purpose in my life. Days are passing without any purpose one after the other.
Nothing interests me. Nothing at all. I have left my job too because I just wasn’t able to concentrate there. Please tell me what can be done to see life as a beautiful thing.
I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what to do that will make me a contented person. I don’t like going out of my place for work.
I pray regularly and I am a good Muslim alhamdulilah.
I feel life is meant to be spent by worshipping Allah only, so what’s the use if I give it any other purpose?
Please help me. My health is getting affected now, due to these thoughts creeping into my head.
Salam alaikum, thanks for sending in your question and sharing your situation. I am very sorry you are having this problem and I pray you will find relief. It is very good that you pray regularly and try to be close to Allah because that is a very important key to understanding yourself and your life.
When we say that we spend our life worshiping Allah, what do we mean? Praying, fasting and all the other things we do are a means of us attaining a certain state of being. If we worship Allah we will be treading a path that will lead us to know Him through His creation, love His creation, purify our hearts, amend our words and behavior to be always positive, and strive to be a power of good in this world. If we only focus on the rituals themselves, and forget about why we do them and try to make them a catalyst of change within ourselves and others, we run the risk of getting bogged down. We may feel that what we are doing is meaningless and this could cause us to have doubts in our faith and lose our purpose in life, Allah forbid.
Islam is a way for us to attain a high level of humanity, compassion, wisdom and spiritual power. It is a way that shows us how to be grateful; how to perceive ourselves, life and others in a positive way. If we were to focus, on a daily basis, on the characteristics that Islam instills in us we would find ourselves moving forward and feeling good within ourselves. I mean things like, being humble (not arrogant), being helpful (not selfish), caring for others (not being insensitive), being honest (with ourselves and others), pondering and thinking deeply (not being constantly entertained)… and so on.
There is a wise old saying that goes: In the service of your fellow man, you will find yourself. If you think about that you will realize that when you are feeling bad (as we all do sometimes), a good way to feel better is to reach out to someone who is down and try to help them, cheer them up, and make their load lighter. If we become too self-concerned, we will find ourselves spiraling downward into feelings of hopelessless, because such feelings make the heart closed up. If we want out heart to be open, we have to give – even if it is only something small.
Since your feelings have become intense and you are finding it difficult to cope with them, it might be a good idea if you talk with someone who can give you one to one support and guidance.
All the best..
Assalamu Alaikum Sister, Alhamdulillah I pray regularly and on time but my problem is that since my husband does not pray it bothers him when I delay his plans because I can’t miss prayers. He says it has become a pain because I refuse to go out at certain times with him fearing that I will miss Maghrib. I live in non-Muslim country and mosques for ladies are rare. How can I keep Allah and my husband happy at the same time. Also when we go for vacations I often miss most of the prayers agai? Because my husband does not pray, I often end up fighting with him. Please advise. Jazakallah Khair
Salam alaikum, thanks so much for sending in your question.
Prayer is not only an act of worship; it represents a way of life. A person who prays and another who doesn’t will think very differently, respond to situations and people differently and make decisions on an entirely different basis.
The beauty of the power of prayer is that is empowers us to think independently and to develop who we are because during prayer, we are communicating with our Creator and stand before Him as an individual human being – not as a wife, mother, daughter, sister and so on. It helps us see our life and our role in it, in a very different way. We will see this life as a journey that will end (with death) and that our true success will be based on the state we are in when we pass from this life. Everything up to that point, should be leading us to be closer to Allah, a blessing to those around us, a better, kinder more joyful human being.
So if you and your husband are fighting I don’t see that it is just because of prayer – it is more than that – you are living different lives. Perhaps there are cases when praying and non-praying people can live together but this would be totally dependent on the respect they have for each other’s way of life; I mean total respect. If that were the case, there would not be any grumbling or complaining when you pray, but because of respect, the other person would facilitate the way for the other to pray (and live their life).
Your question is an important one: How can you keep Allah and your husband happy? Basically you want Allah to be pleased with you because that is the source of your well-being, your inner peace, your own self development and because if you live your life in this way, you will bring joy and love to all those around you. However, if the person in your life is self-centered, no matter what you do, you will not please him unless you give up who you are. Do you want to do that? Are you willing to do that?
I suggest you focus on pleasing Allah, strive to be the best, most loving, most caring, most friendly and kind person you can be and take what life deals out.
All the best..
i have someone who really loves me, but the problem is for him to decide our future. I would love to marry him but my next problem is I do not want to ask him to marry me whilst he is not ready to.
1.How should I treat him in order for him to make a decision by himself?
2.Is there any dua for Allah to make him make a quick decision?
Salam alaikum, thanks so much for sending in your question. What a blessing it is to have love in your life! I pray for your success.
One thing that we as humans often do is be hasty. We want things quickly! Everything has its time and sometimes we just have to wait. Your situation is difficult but then, life is full of challenges and we are constantly facing new people, and new situations that require our insight, wisdom, patience and strength. Because of our human condition, we should be in a continual state of prayer and dua! We should be asking Allah all the time to guide every step we take so that we are led to peace, happiness, calmness; success.
Sometimes people hesitate to make up their minds. It might because of fear or weakness but the result is that the other person is left hanging and this is so painful and unfair. You have to make a decision and this decision is based on how much you value yourself. What do you deserve? Do you deserve to be treated with consideration and commitment?
If you are happy and willing to love and commit to a person, then it is necessary that he is willing to do the same or else the whole thing is imbalanced and the relationship will not have the resources to face life with strength. It is vital that you both start your life together on solid footing. It means you both have to make a clear choice.
So, first, turn to Allah and ask Him to guide you both to the right decision; that may not necessarily be what you think or want, so be prepared for change. Next, state your case to him clearly and outline the framework you are willing to work and live within and then leave it to him to decide but give him a time frame. For example, you could give him a month or so to think about what he wants to do and in the meantime you should not be emotionally dependent on him, but with a grateful heart, be willing to move on if needs be and continue your life.
May Allah guide you to what is best.
Six years ago I was a very intelligent student so I got through an engineering school but i did not like that college. I do not know why but I could not continue there as there was violence on that campus. But again after 2 years gap I took up the entrance test and again alhamdulillah got into a good school of engineering beside my home in computers. This time alhmadulillah i had made up my mind to do well but in college I found hardly a few guys who were studying. There were few Muslims but I did not like going to college. By this time my father had lost his job and I did not like the college. Everyone respected me but I could never be a friend as such. because there were mixed gender in my college and i never talk with my female colleagues. So I could not just built a rapport but I used to get good marks just by studying before exams. My teachers used to always rebuke me for not coming to college. I could have continued ..
At this point of time I was guilty of not performing up to my potential by going to college everyday.
i had always done my things in an excellent manner but I was not doing this time...
i did not like to be marked by my professors because I was the guy who used to do daawa in class, and also most respected in my class. It was hurting my self esteem...
But to tell you frankly it was my financial problems that was eating me away. I was supposed to take up a student loan to finance my education but i was late in applying for it. I missed that loan last year. I talked to college authorities. Last semester they allowed me to sit for the exam but I promised that i will pay them this semester hoping i will get the loan by then but it didn’t happen. When i knew this i stopped going to college. Again this time they called me up , but this time i told them I won’t study further and they also wanted me to drive out. It hurts my self esteem to ask help from any one so i chose not to go for riba based bank loans to save my studies. For six months I have been at home feeling sick. My parents don’t know that I have quit studies.
Cruel piece of luck is that I have been called for loan by the authorities.
Now there’s no point looking back...But I am in a grave problems--
1.Have to inform my parents.
2.Have to start afresh. I wish to study Maths as major inshallah and also take up a Medical Transcription( I am researching whether it’s a halaal job) and then in 3 years time I want to be a teacher, Inshallah or have a firm of my own. I can’t decide.
Do duaa for me and please help how I should proceed ..
Salam alaikum, thanks very much for sending in your question. You are having a difficult time. May Allah guide you to what is best.
First of all, whenever we find ourselves facing difficulties it is vital that we take time out to look at things from a positive point of view. We can always find people who are worse off. If we feel blessed, we will see things in a different light. For example, you have a family, you have the chance to receive an education, you can make choices, you have your health….
What we do is important, but more important, is what we feel about what we do. Sometimes our self esteem becomes dependent on people’s expectations of us and often this is unreasonable, so we find ourselves under pressure. You are under pressure. Is that coming from what you really want? How many of your choices did you make yourself, after asking your heart and seeking Allah’s guidance? It’s much easier to have a clear path; to see clearly what you want to achieve and then take the steps you need to take to get there. If you find things are confused and constantly difficult it might be a sign to stop, ponder and rethink the matter.
Look at the resources you have in your hand now. What is easily within reach? Which field of study do you enjoy? Go for the one that makes you feel happy and enriched. You may have to tone down your expectations. Getting excellent grades is one thing, doing your best and feeling happy and content are riches that no amount of money can buy.
Try to live your life so that you feel at peace and gauge your ‘success’ according to the state of your heart; your sincerity, your commitment, your spirituality, your ability to help and reach out to others. You will always have to face people who may disagree with you, feel disappointed with you and so on, but if you know who you are and why you are doing things, their reaction will not upset or destabilize you – because you know where you are heading.
My problem is that I can’t get my boyfriend to propose to me for marriage. I´ve been with him for a while now and we have been intimate too, so I´m really afraid that if he won´t marry me and I´ll get into trouble. What can I do to make him marry me?
Salam alaikum, thanks for your question. I pray that you will be close to Allah and make all the decisions of your life based on your love for Him.
It looks like you are at a time in your life when you have to make up your mind who you are and how you want to live. We humans are weak and prone to make decisions based on our needs, our desires and our feelings of fear. Sometimes get stuck on something and are afraid to let go because the unknown is scary and unsure and we might think that what we have is at least safe; known.
You are feeling unsure, insecure and you want to feel settled and safe and that is natural. The question is whether or not this man will help you do that. Does he love you? Does he want to spend his life with you? Is he serious about you? These are difficult and perhaps painful questions, but you need to know where you are. It is better to know the truth about a person than to live a lie.
It is so important to remember that everything in this life is transitory; nothing lasts. We will ultimately leave this world alone and face Allah alone. So in that context, the worst trouble we could be in, is to be in trouble with Allah and to realize one day (when it is too late) that we missed the point of this life.
What is this life all about? Is it all about getting what we want? Living happily ever after? Or, is it about discovering who we are, perceiving ourselves and life more deeply and clearly and going through experiences that help us understand these things more? If we are not living our lives to please Allah, we have missed the point and ultimately life will be painful, empty and meaningless.
Your problem now, is not so much why your boy friend won’t marry you, but why you permit yourself to remain in an insecure situation and put yourself at the mercy of another human being’s decision? Make your own decision. Draw up the frame work of your life and call the shots. But you have to do so after getting yourself on base with Allah. Ask yourself: What am I doing in my life that Allah is not pleased with? Do I have the power to change that? Do I want to? Can I imagine living my life far from the mercy of Allah? Far from His love and guidance?
All the best..
I don't know what to do. I am 34 years old and unmarried. I am
alone and afraid of the future. I feel lonely. My friends (all of whom are
married) don't call me anymore. They are busy with their children and husbands.
When I go to visit, this is all they can talk about. Why did I not find anyone
easily? I know young women who simply attended conferences and were approached
by would be mothers-in-law or brothers themselves. The common thread among
them? Beauty. What is an average looking, nice, decent educated woman to do? My
entire life I've been good. I helped my parents and took care of them. I took
care of my siblings. I never rebelled or had an urge to do so. I learned my
deen, fasted, prayed and was/am a good daughter and sister. Yet, I feel like
I'm not good enough. I went to school and studied hard because I knew it was
good for a woman to have knowledge. Do you have any idea how many brothers
learn of my degree and feel "intimidated?" They say marriage is half
the faith. Does this mean I will never be complete in the eyes of Islam? We
know the Prophet PBUH married an older woman, and I'm not that old. Why won't
educated, practicing brothers rush to fulfill this sunnah? I have so much to
give but no one to give it to. I don't want to participate in the community.
I've tried (for an entire year) and have gotten nothing. Why do some women have
all the luck and others who are nice and giving and generous ending up
hopeless? I pray, fast, give in charity but I am all alone. I know Allah is
closer than the jugular vein, but we need human companionship. My friends and
cousins have forgotten about me. It's not their fault. But, I don't know how to
live my life alone. To be frank, I think non-Muslim men in the West are more
decent in some ways. They value inner-beauty and kindness in a way many other
immature men do not. I'm afraid of going out into the world. What if I find a
decent person who isn't Muslim. I think I'm desperate enough to go ahead and
marry because the need to do so is so strong. Why would Allah chose to leave me
unmarried but give me desires for motherhood and a home as a devoted wife. I've
tried match makers. They are useless. My friends are no help. My family
overseas is worried about men desperate for immigration and do not know who to
trust. I had the option of marrying my cousin, but he doesn't pray, and only
completed Grade 10. He had no interests other than making money. I declined.
Was I wrong?Please help. I'm fading fast. I know I'd make a good home, but when
will I get my chance?
Salam alaikum, thanks for sending in your question. Don’t fade! I’m sure you won’t! You seem to be very balanced and wise but are having a problem because you can’t find someone suitable.
I think it’s really important to remember that just because someone is married, it doesn’t mean they are happy, even though that is the ultimate aim. Life is full of challenges, up-hill battles and situations that stir up the soul. That’s the point – everything we face in life comes to us for a reason; there is something to learn, something to do, something to give.
At the same time, our thoughts are very powerful and we send out messages just from how we think. If you are dissatisfied, anxious, fearful, unsure these thoughts act like a magnet and bring such things back to you. So, try to change the way you think. Be positive about yourself and hopeful about your life. I know people who have been married and miserable, divorced then married again; raising children alone and struggling on. But they still find joy and wisdom. There are others who married and never had children but are happy, joyful and content. I also know women who found love and happiness later in life after much struggle and learning.
You have your own path in life and you make it according to your thinking, your decisions and responses and all that is tied up with your faith and your certainty in Allah’s power to open ways for you. But you have to make the first step and perhaps that first step is valuing yourself, embracing life, being open with people and confident in your ability to make decisions based on your love for Allah and your ultimate aim of being close to Him.
All the best..
I'm a postgraduate student doing a research in science and having
a hard time in concentrating on my studies due to frequent flashbacks of my
lonely childhood where I was raised by a miserly father and hysterical mother.
My parents separated when I was aged 12, and I lived with my father till I was 18 and then moved with my mother till I was 24. It was a big relief for me to be with her because I could no longer stand his stingy ideologies and selfish attitudes toward my mother. And when I reunited with my mother and hoping that I would learn values from her, it turned out that his stinginess had made her leave him and had made her live with resentment and self-hatred for allowing herself to be taken advantage by him and his relatives. I thought I would learn something from her as a daughter, but all I've learned is her repeated resentment and hatred of others, especially my dad and his relatives. And when I told her that I don't want to hear any more of the rewinded speech of her resentful history and that she should forgive and forget the past, she was infuriated and uncontrollable and shouted at me that if I don't learn from her it'll be repeated upon me. There I thought - what's that got to do with me for something I did not do, and why would she curse her only daughter? Still - I refuse to listen to her and yet she still repeats her talk and forces me to sit with her and listen. I told her to counsel with imams but she fears she will lose her reputation and believes that handling this on her own would be best done by screaming to my dad to divorce her every time my dad comes for a 2-day visit twice a year. I advised her to go to the court to get a divorce without my father's knowledge and yet she refuses believing that this is not how Islam is done. To me that doesn't make sense for why would Islam let her to live in such an insane state unless she let herself? I can not take this insanity anymore, even though they're religiously educated and I doubt that, so I decided to continue my studies somewhere where I can find peace of mind and sanity.
But to my surprise, it appears that the hatred of my parents that I've been hearing throughout my childhood is driving me nuts until now – and I have lost the ability to concentrate on my studies to the extent that I can't even relate anything to my colleagues or to my supervisor.
How can I be free from these guilty pasts that are done by others and live peacefully, purposefully and harmoniously? I want to be free and not live a life like my parents have lived...
Your advice would be greatly appreciated and thank you very much
Salam alaikum, many thanks for sharing your situation. You have had a difficult upbringing; negativity always has a serious effect on the people who are exposed to it. But there is good news – your own positive attitude and approach to life can cancel out the negativity.
Your parents have made choices and continue to make them. These decisions are independent of you; they live in their own world and reap the consequences. The problem is that you have been affected by the anger, bitterness and inability of your parents to rectify their situation and move on. You have more or less been dragged along. Now, however, you are an adult and, as you mentioned, you are able to move away from your parents and lessen their direct affect on you.
What remains is the anger, bitterness and resentment that you remember. You may feel that these things have become a part of you and who you are. This is the point to ponder on. We all live our own life; follow our own path. We respond to people and situations, make decisions that shape us, and have the ability to shed habits, characteristics, pain and negativity. Learning to shed such things is an acquired skill. In your case, I suggest you work hard to acquire it, so that you do not fall into the negative ways that you have learned.
To do this, it is important that you note down (can be on paper or with a friend) the characteristics and behavior that you most dislike in your parents. Your list could start with things like: lack of forgiveness, pride, anger, and so on. Then take a close look at yourself (your trusted friend can help you do this) and honestly look and see if you have adopted any of these things. If you have, to any degree, then focus on correcting them one by one. You may, however, find that you have not taken on their characteristics or habits and have only been affected by the sadness of the situation; the fact that you don’t have the ideal family which you may have hoped for.
Sadness and depression can be corrected and turned around by: first, trust in Allah. Know with certainty that if you face any challenge in life you have the ability to handle it well and seek His help and support. Second, maintain positive self talk – be kind to yourself and encourage yourself to think highly and be hopeful that you and your situation will improve. Third, do not dwell on the past. Let it go! You can not change it. At the same time, do not live in the future hoping and planning for things that are beyond your ability to control. It is vital that you learn to live in the present and find joy in whatever it is that Allah has given you.
It is also very important that you surround yourself with positive people. You may have to back off from some people who have similar characteristics to your parents. When you are stronger and more stable you will find that you will be able to mix with anyone without being negatively affected by them. Surround yourself with people who will be honest with you and catch you when you are negative. Honesty and directness are such great qualities to have in friends. It takes humility, however, to be able to receive advice with an open heart.
Finally, give in charity as often as you can. When you give to others – even a kind word, a smile or a helping hand - you inevitably uplift your own spirit, feel more confident, and are filled with positivity and hope. And, be sure, that what you send out into this world, comes back to you. All the best.
Inshala you are in best of health and faith. I have done a lot of sins in the past during my teenage years and early twenties. I have disappointed my parents a lot and made them angry. It seems though Allah has guided me because I started praying and doing Tawbah. Recently, I have been thinking why did I do all that I did, I have friends who are so pious and some things never even cross their minds. I tend to wonder what was wrong with me then. My parents are descent Muslims who have tried their best but it makes me so sad to know that I have gone to some very prohibited extremes wondering what led me there. Lately I have also been questioning the importance of prayers and I have been missing my prayers sadly. I am not amused about this but it seems so superficial I don’t really feel it anymore when I pray and am wondering what role it plays in my life.
Salam alaikum, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I ask Allah to bless you and enrich you with true joy and insight.
People who have sinned and then returned to Allah have much to offer. They have experience and a contrast that can help them understand things more deeply. Nothing in this life is wasted and if you have gone through this, then be sure that if you love Allah and seek to be close to Him, the evil will turn into good.
It is best not to compare yourself with others because everyone has their own path in life and make decisions individually. What is important is what is between you and Allah. This is the most important relationship you will ever have in your life; you and your Creator. He created you! He made you out of nothing and gave you life! He gave you health, a mind to think, a heart to feel and senses to understand the world around you. He has given you experiences and people and He is with you every single step of the way. If you are far from Him, it is because you have moved away; He is always there.
So, what you makes you think your prayer is not important? If you are hungry, He sends you sustenance. If you are sad, He sends you ways to get comfort. If you are lost, He sends you help. If you are afraid, He protects you. Why would you want to turn away from Him?
If you can establish your prayer, you are in fact establishing the very foundation of your life. Five times a day you step away from this busy life and focus on yourself, your Creator and where you are in life. Prayer is like a pit-stop to recharge your batteries, refocus what is important, calm your heart, revive your spirit and gain courage to face life again. You have to value prayer as the most important means of communication. Most people keep their mobile phones with them all the time, because it is their connection with the world. Well, prayer is your connection with the Giver of Life.
All the best..
Assalamu Alaykum, I am married so is my ex fiance. Due to some problem my family ended the engagement. We both are now married to different partners but our love for each other has not stopped. We email and communicate with each other often in secret just verbal no physical involvement. He lives 1000s of miles away from me and never met after the break up. Recently I have become more Islamic and realized what we both are doing is wrong even if there is no physical involvement. Just yesterday I wrote to him that I no longer want to be part of his life and wished him all the success in his married life and before he could respond I closed my email account. Sister did I do the right thing. It is hurting me a lot and I am sure once he reads my email his reaction will be the same. We just cannot live without being in touch even if it is just one line.
Salam aliakum, thanks so much for sharing this. It is very difficult but I believe you did the right thing. I think it is very sad how families often prevent people from marrying. So much blame of these situations rests on them. May Allah help us.
However, this is what has happened and you have both moved on. You now have to face your life with courage and compassion and living a double life will only lead to disaster. If it is not possible that you can be together in a proper way, then you really have to let go. It is possible to keep love for someone in one’s heart even though the situation did not work out. But you have to keep that love in a special place and not let it affect your present life. In fact, it is true to say that we don’t have much control over our feelings of love and they inhabit our heart whether we like it or not. However, we do have control over how we respond to these feelings and how we deal with them. In your case, I commend you, because it took great courage to email him and take control of the situation. The pain will subside and you both will move on and if, in the future, you are meant to be together nothing can stop it. But in the meantime you must do the right thing and you have.
All the best..
Al salamo alaykom.
I recently had a very bad fight with my husband. We have been married for 7 years and have a daughter. In general our relationship is very good, we are very loving and understanding to each other and people envy our relationship. However, I have observed that at least once a year we have to have a very bad fight. I mean bad. He might even raise his hand during the fight. It always starts with me being very pressured and for a very long time and I just explode suddenly. And he can not handle my explosion because I become very aggressive and challenging. At those times I feel that he could just overcome my aggression and hug me and tell me that he understands. I think it would go away without any harm. But that is not what happens. We fight very bad, he raises his hand, he humiliates me, and he says things I can’t forget afterwards. Last year's fight he said he will get married again and this time he said our marriage was a mistake because we are fine together but our life is very difficult facing all problems alone without support from parents or anyone. He said he shouldn’t have gotten married so early in his life (we were both 27, 7 years ago) and that he should have waited to be financially stable and then marry someone younger. This hurt me a lot. I do not know how to forget these words which for me are worse than raising his hand. I do not know why we get into such bad fights once a year. Is he bored of me? Am I bored of him? I know I love him and when we don’t have fights he seems very loving and faithful. Why do these fights happen? I am worried that they will not stop and we shall reach a point that we hate each other.
Salam alaikum, thanks for sending in your question and sharing your problems. I pray that you and your husband will find harmony, and long-lasting peace and happiness.
It is normal that couples argue from time to time. We could call it ‘letting off steam.’ What is not normal, however, is when either spouse is abusive and humiliates the other, whether through words or actions. Abuse should not be tolerated. At the same time, it is important to think carefully why the situation escalates to such a degree.
You mentioned that you hold things in and then explode and that this usually marks the beginning of your conflict. Perhaps this is the key. When managing any relationship it is very important that both people draw up a framework for themselves and are aware of the things that will make or break the relationship from their point of view. The couple should discuss this from time to time because the framework changes as they grow and develop in life.
If your relationship with your husband is usually loving and supportive, then why not use this opportunity to discuss what is on your mind as the issues and concerns arise. There is obviously a side to you that he does not know or understand. And this part of you is angry, frustrated and in pain and needs to be expressed. Discuss how you feel and do this when things are calm and comfortable between you. If he is loving and supportive he will be eager to discover what is wrong and try to help you fix things. Communication should always be honest but wisdom should prevail and when discussing sensitive issues, both spouses must choose the most appropriate time taking into consideration the other person’s mood and state.
The point is, don’t let things build up inside you to the point where you will explode, which then sets in motion all the negative feelings, emotions, and thoughtless words that leave emotions ragged.
Also, keep in mind that so far you both have survived your yearly storm! So there is hope and I pray that if you make some adjustments, open up, communicate more effectively and persevere that you will succeed.
By the way, 27 is not young to get married! In fact, age is relative, as what counts is the maturity of the couple.
First Published on www.islamonline.net